As I walk to the bus stop, feeling good in my favorite top that I seem to wear every Friday, relishing in the beeps moto riders give me and the looks I know I’ll get from the construction workers, I think to myself: “I used to be fun. Medellin ruined me. I have potential to be great.” And in that same train of thought, I wonder if I mean socially or professionally.” Work is good and this isn’t the place to discuss that, but it obviously makes me reflect on previous experiences. Maybe I felt so good bc I had so much support in all the other areas of my life. Great boyfriends. Amazing friends. Really cool part-time jobs, etc. Now all I have is motorcycle beeps and my favorite shirt.
It’s like I’m waiting for something though. Waiting until I can be fun again. Waiting until I can feel 100% purposeful. But am I waiting for a person? My friends? A new city perhaps? This is me putting blame on external factors that I have no control over. This is me avoiding the harsh realities of my own insecurities and my refusal to be happy with boredom.
As I sit here waiting for the bus thinking about me me me, the city maintenance man climbs up the hill past me dragging his whole trash can of supplies to clean the streets. Perspective.
I feel as though I have one friend here who I can laugh with freely and share all of the embarrassing moments I have here with. But I can’t help but think we are both being wasted here. These are the moments that I think maybe the superficial comforts of life are necessary. Whatever those are for different people. For me they might be companionship, socializing and mobility. Should I feel guilty about these things though?
There are parts of me that make me think I should feel bad or there is something wrong with me because I am not ok with boredom, without friends, without a boyfriend, without a good job. This is greedy, but it’s so hard to know a life without these things when you have been so lush with them previously.
I’m not sure what my action items are, but I need resolution. I need compromise. Medellin, can you help me out a little bit and give some wiggle room? Please. Because of all of this frowning is giving me wrinkles.
Commence OkCupid. I need something to lift my spirits.