45%

Saturday is a homebody day. I relish in being able to stay in bed. I efficiently make myself breakfast and set up on the balcony to do some work.

My day is broken up by a nice skype call with a cute boy from stateside. It’s comforting to slip back into conversations with him. I am happy.

My boy asks me if I am happy and I hear myself saying I am only at 45%. This transition has been quite an out of body experience. I’m not sure if it’s this place or my lack of participation. My stubbornness and impatience can be derailing, but I’m surely not this difficult. I can’t seem to reconcile the difference between being too hard on myself for not fitting in right away and me just being a brat about everything.

I continue moving fluidly between procrastinating and productivity. I end up watching a ton of teeny bopper tv online and eventually complete some Spanish homework.

home

Sunday is my day of big plans: Spanish lessons and exploring with a couple co-workers. My teacher tells me I need to be more confident in my speech, because the content is correct; I’m just hesitant to voice it. This is easier said than done. When people are speaking to me, I can comprehend and I know I have some words to respond, but I freeze.

Exploring in the afternoon is nice. The weather is warm and sunny like all the days here and we walk everywhere. I see soccer games, dog walkers, some kind of cheerleading competition, a skateboard park, and tons of new street life. We end at a coffee shop where a young mother is reading Dr. Seuss to her adorable little boy, who clearly knows he is adorable. 

We sit and talk and drink coffee and talk more. I am feeling more in tune with things, but I still look around and feel left out. I still feel unattached and hesitant about my life. I think about that 45% and feel like damnnnn, it’s kind of true. I wonder how it’s possible to be in a place, trying really hard to be at 100% and it’s just not happening. I’m trying.

My day ends with some more skype lovin’ that makes me excited for the future. I know this is a learning experience and the people in my life now are people I need to learn from. I need to accept this and allow it to happen.

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